Faux hawk it up

Here's me. Since clearly my face is relevant to everything. So I recently learned that it counts as awkward to ask people if they would sleep with you. So far I have accrued only 2 yeses. And one was from a gay boy who said only if he was super super drunk. So basically just the one. But it was from a girl that I kind of have a crush on so I think it is acceptable that it pleases me.

Also my ex/ girl type person of a fling type thing from the summer keeps missing me. I don't mind being missed, especially since my fondest desire is that everyone like and or love me, but it's gotten to a point where I don't think she understands how I feel about whatever happened between us at all. I think that for her I was more than a summer fling. Which is interesting because she knew I was in an open relationship. And she was cheating on her girlfriend to be with me at all. So I don't know why I meant more than a good time. I was supposed to be just a good time. A fond memory. And instead on her day off from school she takes her bike up to the first place that we kissed. And she insists on taking a picture of herself there as the sun rises and sending it to me. It just really messed with my head. It made me remember the fun we had this summer, but it didn't make me miss her. It didn't feel romantic. It felt needy. It felt manipulative. It made me angry with her for making me feel like I should miss her more than I do. And that's not what you do to your friends.

I feel like this may actually become a problem under the terms of my relationship with my girlfriend. Because obviously I love her, more than I have loved anything. And anyone I become involved with will only ever be second to her. And they'd have to know that, I mean I think I do a pretty good job of explaining exactly how much I love her without sounding too terribly cliche. (side note: today two of my best friends spent a lot of time trying to decide if me or my girlfriend is hotter. They never decided because I look "so much gayer" than she does.) So I think I am a bit of a lost cause to most people here. I feel like despite the hook up culture that Mac swears it has there really are a lot of people looking to have a long term emotional and sexual relationship with one person. And so no matter how much someone says they understand what it means to be involved with me I feel like a lot of people would be hoping, like my summer fling, that I will eventually pick them over my girlfriend. Which is so unlikely that it borders on comical for me.

Brief Interlude: I am writing now because my chemistry professor hasn't sent out an email with our homework yet, and I feel like I should be productive because I have hockey practice tomorrow.

I think that I may be adjusting to being in a city. Today I rode my bike way down University Avenue. There were random teenagers at the same corner as me at one point and when one of them complimented my snow boots I actually said thanks. And on the way back I actually said excuse me to a man standing on the sidewalk. However none of this is to say that I don't still have a lot of judgmental and potentially racist tendencies in my thoughts when I ride through the city. I hate it about myself, but I just can't help it. When I see people who look like they might be of a different ethnicity I become a little bit afraid. And I hate it about myself. I actually am quite afraid of white men on the streets of cities too, but that is more because of how I look and less about how they look. I am always afraid I look out of place. The white girl, on the nice bike, no measurable muscle riding through a questionable part of Saint Paul. For some reason I worry a lot in these situations. And yet I ride my bike all over. I love the freedom of it. Anyway, back to my point, I hate my own racism. I hate how black men scare me most of all. I hate it, they don't deserve it. They are standing waiting for busses, or walking with children enjoying the first snowfall, or making a cell phone call. They don't deserve the fact that as soon as I see them I begin plotting about which direction to run, and I start calculating how far and how long until another person shows up. It makes me feel like an awful person.

I try to empathize, I mean, I look pretty gay, and also possibly genderqueer. But people don't think I am a threat. Not really. I am more likely to be the victim of a hate crime, or have foul words thrown at me. And in this way I think I do understand what it is to be a minority to have people skirt you and not associate with you in public, however I don't know what it is to have someone afraid that I will hurt them. I can't fathom that, or how much that must hurt a person who could never hurt someone.

Ok, yeah, those are my kind of super heavy and disconnected thoughts for the day.