Yeah yeah I eavesdrop...

So I got to hang out with my cousin for pretty much the first time ever over this break. We went to this cute little grill for lunch and spent her dad's money on some really awesome food. I felt like a pig because I pretty much inhaled my food. But it was all good, her dad didn't really feed me much while I was there. Anyway we talked politics and stuff. She was glad both of the vote no's we voted no and all the good stuff.

After we finished that conversation there was a pause while we were both eating and I heard the people at the next table having a heated discussion on gay people on TV. The complaint was that sure gay people were fine and everything but they don't need to be in every TV show. And they definitely don't need to be shown making out more than straight people.

So. Much. Anger. So much was wrong with that statement first of all. For one thing, nowhere near every TV show has a gay character. If that was actually the case I would be the happiest person ever. But no. I have to actively seek out my gay people. I watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer on huluplus and Pretty Little Liars, and Glee. These are my shows that I watch for the gay characters. I watch Revolution, Big Bang Theory, Legend of Korra and Once Upon a Time for the show itself, and let me tell you, no gays in those shows. And back to the fact that the gays in TV shows do not kiss with the same frequency as straight couples. Back when Brittany and Santana were together on Glee I waited for episodes and episodes for them to kiss. And then they finally did. But it was no where near as frequently occurring as say Finn and Rachel. (Maybe this is bad of me because I don't really pay attention to gay men, only gay women in TV, but still I think my point holds.)

So wrong and wrong on account of gay people not being in every show and not making out more than straight people. But really, for me the biggest thing is that these people don't understand why having gay people on TV is important. For me that is huge. I grew up watching TV, not all the time, not the way I do now... but it was a part of my childhood and a part of my early teenage years. And for me, being represented on TV is something that everyone wants. It validates you as a person in certain ways. I used to watch Friends for Ross's ex-wife and her wife. The fact that they were doing the whole gay-married thing validated me, even if they were minor characters who very rarely if ever kissed they made me feel like being with a woman was acceptable.

Also stray thought, there aren't gay people in advertisements yet. Gay people are still polarizing and don't sell products well. This is interesting to me. I think that advertisements are the ultimate acceptance. Most races are represented even if it is not proportional. However there are very few, if any, muslims in advertisements, just like gay people. I believe this is because these two groups of people are still polarizing to the public and therefore they don't sell products effectively.

Anyway, back to the uninformed TV watchers in the restaurant. The fact that they were even having the conversation helps my case more than theirs. By this I mean that, the fact that they think an increasing number of gay characters equates to at least one in every show shows that they are not yet comfortable with seeing gay people. They are seeing one and taking it to be way more. Also the way that they are assuming that because gays are now ok to kiss on TV that equates to making out or more in their heads, just proves that they need more exposure to this stuff. It makes me happy that kids will grow up being exposed to this stuff on a far larger scale than I was. Even if I do believe there is still a long way to go.

Off for Thanksgiving

Hi. This is the saga of my young life. I am Erin. Female bodied but secretly that one male douche-bag that everyone hates. I am the boy, everyone knows the one, who wants all the girls to like them and will kiss them or whatever but isn't really interested because he thinks he's too good for everyone. Hi. Yes this is me. So as that whole sentence type thing goes to show that the girl who said she would sleep with me, yeah I fucked that up. Basically I really wasn't into her. I just thought she liked me and I was right and enjoying the chase. So you know there goes that friendship. Yep. I rock.

Anyway I am leaving for the weekend. It'll be my first time not sleeping in a dorm bed in at least two months. The bus I am taking to the bus leaves in like half an hour. I am getting anxious and hurried. But such is my life.

Also the bio class that I want to take next semester is super close to filling up. I wonder if I should try and get on the wait-list for genetics.

Yeah. I don't have deep and important thoughts today. Just needed to vent.

Faux hawk it up

Here's me. Since clearly my face is relevant to everything. So I recently learned that it counts as awkward to ask people if they would sleep with you. So far I have accrued only 2 yeses. And one was from a gay boy who said only if he was super super drunk. So basically just the one. But it was from a girl that I kind of have a crush on so I think it is acceptable that it pleases me.

Also my ex/ girl type person of a fling type thing from the summer keeps missing me. I don't mind being missed, especially since my fondest desire is that everyone like and or love me, but it's gotten to a point where I don't think she understands how I feel about whatever happened between us at all. I think that for her I was more than a summer fling. Which is interesting because she knew I was in an open relationship. And she was cheating on her girlfriend to be with me at all. So I don't know why I meant more than a good time. I was supposed to be just a good time. A fond memory. And instead on her day off from school she takes her bike up to the first place that we kissed. And she insists on taking a picture of herself there as the sun rises and sending it to me. It just really messed with my head. It made me remember the fun we had this summer, but it didn't make me miss her. It didn't feel romantic. It felt needy. It felt manipulative. It made me angry with her for making me feel like I should miss her more than I do. And that's not what you do to your friends.

I feel like this may actually become a problem under the terms of my relationship with my girlfriend. Because obviously I love her, more than I have loved anything. And anyone I become involved with will only ever be second to her. And they'd have to know that, I mean I think I do a pretty good job of explaining exactly how much I love her without sounding too terribly cliche. (side note: today two of my best friends spent a lot of time trying to decide if me or my girlfriend is hotter. They never decided because I look "so much gayer" than she does.) So I think I am a bit of a lost cause to most people here. I feel like despite the hook up culture that Mac swears it has there really are a lot of people looking to have a long term emotional and sexual relationship with one person. And so no matter how much someone says they understand what it means to be involved with me I feel like a lot of people would be hoping, like my summer fling, that I will eventually pick them over my girlfriend. Which is so unlikely that it borders on comical for me.

Brief Interlude: I am writing now because my chemistry professor hasn't sent out an email with our homework yet, and I feel like I should be productive because I have hockey practice tomorrow.

I think that I may be adjusting to being in a city. Today I rode my bike way down University Avenue. There were random teenagers at the same corner as me at one point and when one of them complimented my snow boots I actually said thanks. And on the way back I actually said excuse me to a man standing on the sidewalk. However none of this is to say that I don't still have a lot of judgmental and potentially racist tendencies in my thoughts when I ride through the city. I hate it about myself, but I just can't help it. When I see people who look like they might be of a different ethnicity I become a little bit afraid. And I hate it about myself. I actually am quite afraid of white men on the streets of cities too, but that is more because of how I look and less about how they look. I am always afraid I look out of place. The white girl, on the nice bike, no measurable muscle riding through a questionable part of Saint Paul. For some reason I worry a lot in these situations. And yet I ride my bike all over. I love the freedom of it. Anyway, back to my point, I hate my own racism. I hate how black men scare me most of all. I hate it, they don't deserve it. They are standing waiting for busses, or walking with children enjoying the first snowfall, or making a cell phone call. They don't deserve the fact that as soon as I see them I begin plotting about which direction to run, and I start calculating how far and how long until another person shows up. It makes me feel like an awful person.

I try to empathize, I mean, I look pretty gay, and also possibly genderqueer. But people don't think I am a threat. Not really. I am more likely to be the victim of a hate crime, or have foul words thrown at me. And in this way I think I do understand what it is to be a minority to have people skirt you and not associate with you in public, however I don't know what it is to have someone afraid that I will hurt them. I can't fathom that, or how much that must hurt a person who could never hurt someone.

Ok, yeah, those are my kind of super heavy and disconnected thoughts for the day.

Daylight Savings Time!

Yay, extra hour of sleep, means there's an Erin awake and ready to blog! Except for the part where I am still exhausted besides do a whole lot of not much last night. I have refound Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and let me tell you it is going to consume my life. I am already part way through the fifth season, I started with the fourth season last week. But let's be honest, it's so addictive.

Anyway I am clearly failing at this daily blogging business. But it's ok. I have been having thoughts and good excellent conversation.

I am writing a paper about the intersection of pornography and feminism for my 10 page final paper and I am finding it fascinating. I have never thought that porn was wrong or evil or shameful. I mean, it isn't something that I watch, but I always assumed that most people did. I think that because women are so often told not to be sexually active, just to look sexy, that an outlet which shows women actively engaging in sex can be positive and good for people to know about. I know porn isn't the most realistic, but as long as people recognize that it shouldn't be a problem. I watch plenty of movies and tv shows that aren't exactly realistic. Like, I don't assume that there are vampires outside my dorm window just because I watch Buffy all the time. So people should know better than to assume that life is like a porno and I think that most people do. I do recognize that a good chunk of porn supports the patriarchy in that it is men dominating women and that can be harmful, or it can also be separated from reality and recognized as something that is a kink or a sexual act that doesn't have to leave the bedroom.

My professor says that we're not writing argument papers. It makes me kind of sad. I have a strong desire to make a powerful argument for porn. I wonder if I will have to watch porn to do this paper. I doubt it.

I should get back to reading about objectification. Again, yes I know. So much objectification.

a blog post a day keeps bad stuff away

So I was going to blog every day in November, but seeing as it is already the second and I didn't blog yesterday I failed before I even started. Which really is too bad. Because I always have a lot to say. Especially on the subject of homework that I am not doing at the moment.

I am currently in the library with every intention of doing the reading for my FYC and yet here I am looking up when I can give blood again because of the Hurricane Sandy shortage and trying to find the cheapest greyhound bus tickets to get me to my Aunt and Uncle's house for Thanksgiving. Also I just don't want to read 14 more pages on the objectification of women. I experienced it first hand. I get it, it's bad. I am tired of studying the theory, I want to fix it. I want to learn how to fix it. For this reason I am embarking on a 6 week long research paper project type thing in which I get to explore the intersection of sex positivity and anti-porn. I think it'll be a cool paper.

I was also going to try and take a picture every day of November and post them here, but you know whatever I haven't done that either. And I didn't want them to be lame web cam pictures. Not that you don't all love my face...

Also opinions, do I look like a boy or a girl? One of the people employed by the college to glare at us and give us a bad time for trying to steal food from the cafeteria is always messing up my pronouns but I feel really awkward correcting him. I mean he's like 50 and his job title is GateKeeper (granted it was awarded to him  by the student body, but still). Oh wait here's a picture of me, so this question is slightly easier to answer:

I think I may have failed a Spanish quiz just now. But shh, I'm trying not to think about it.

I also played in my first hockey game on Tuesday. I have to tell you, it was awesome. I don't know how to stop, and got in a weird rotation where I was only playing like every ten minutes but it was still awesome. I almost went head first into the opposing team's bench when I crashed into the boards. Also the opposing team was almost all middle aged women. It was good. They beat us 9-2 and gave us brownies afterwards. Also they were way bigger than us. Our hockey team kind of looks like a rag tag band of misfits with like 5 actual hockey players. But it was awesome. And I can't wait to play again next week. I should have played hockey in high school. Oh wait. My high school didn't have a girls' hockey team. I mean there was field hockey but who does that? (besides my cousin... and a lot of other people...)