Faux hawk it up

Here's me. Since clearly my face is relevant to everything. So I recently learned that it counts as awkward to ask people if they would sleep with you. So far I have accrued only 2 yeses. And one was from a gay boy who said only if he was super super drunk. So basically just the one. But it was from a girl that I kind of have a crush on so I think it is acceptable that it pleases me.

Also my ex/ girl type person of a fling type thing from the summer keeps missing me. I don't mind being missed, especially since my fondest desire is that everyone like and or love me, but it's gotten to a point where I don't think she understands how I feel about whatever happened between us at all. I think that for her I was more than a summer fling. Which is interesting because she knew I was in an open relationship. And she was cheating on her girlfriend to be with me at all. So I don't know why I meant more than a good time. I was supposed to be just a good time. A fond memory. And instead on her day off from school she takes her bike up to the first place that we kissed. And she insists on taking a picture of herself there as the sun rises and sending it to me. It just really messed with my head. It made me remember the fun we had this summer, but it didn't make me miss her. It didn't feel romantic. It felt needy. It felt manipulative. It made me angry with her for making me feel like I should miss her more than I do. And that's not what you do to your friends.

I feel like this may actually become a problem under the terms of my relationship with my girlfriend. Because obviously I love her, more than I have loved anything. And anyone I become involved with will only ever be second to her. And they'd have to know that, I mean I think I do a pretty good job of explaining exactly how much I love her without sounding too terribly cliche. (side note: today two of my best friends spent a lot of time trying to decide if me or my girlfriend is hotter. They never decided because I look "so much gayer" than she does.) So I think I am a bit of a lost cause to most people here. I feel like despite the hook up culture that Mac swears it has there really are a lot of people looking to have a long term emotional and sexual relationship with one person. And so no matter how much someone says they understand what it means to be involved with me I feel like a lot of people would be hoping, like my summer fling, that I will eventually pick them over my girlfriend. Which is so unlikely that it borders on comical for me.

Brief Interlude: I am writing now because my chemistry professor hasn't sent out an email with our homework yet, and I feel like I should be productive because I have hockey practice tomorrow.

I think that I may be adjusting to being in a city. Today I rode my bike way down University Avenue. There were random teenagers at the same corner as me at one point and when one of them complimented my snow boots I actually said thanks. And on the way back I actually said excuse me to a man standing on the sidewalk. However none of this is to say that I don't still have a lot of judgmental and potentially racist tendencies in my thoughts when I ride through the city. I hate it about myself, but I just can't help it. When I see people who look like they might be of a different ethnicity I become a little bit afraid. And I hate it about myself. I actually am quite afraid of white men on the streets of cities too, but that is more because of how I look and less about how they look. I am always afraid I look out of place. The white girl, on the nice bike, no measurable muscle riding through a questionable part of Saint Paul. For some reason I worry a lot in these situations. And yet I ride my bike all over. I love the freedom of it. Anyway, back to my point, I hate my own racism. I hate how black men scare me most of all. I hate it, they don't deserve it. They are standing waiting for busses, or walking with children enjoying the first snowfall, or making a cell phone call. They don't deserve the fact that as soon as I see them I begin plotting about which direction to run, and I start calculating how far and how long until another person shows up. It makes me feel like an awful person.

I try to empathize, I mean, I look pretty gay, and also possibly genderqueer. But people don't think I am a threat. Not really. I am more likely to be the victim of a hate crime, or have foul words thrown at me. And in this way I think I do understand what it is to be a minority to have people skirt you and not associate with you in public, however I don't know what it is to have someone afraid that I will hurt them. I can't fathom that, or how much that must hurt a person who could never hurt someone.

Ok, yeah, those are my kind of super heavy and disconnected thoughts for the day.

Daylight Savings Time!

Yay, extra hour of sleep, means there's an Erin awake and ready to blog! Except for the part where I am still exhausted besides do a whole lot of not much last night. I have refound Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and let me tell you it is going to consume my life. I am already part way through the fifth season, I started with the fourth season last week. But let's be honest, it's so addictive.

Anyway I am clearly failing at this daily blogging business. But it's ok. I have been having thoughts and good excellent conversation.

I am writing a paper about the intersection of pornography and feminism for my 10 page final paper and I am finding it fascinating. I have never thought that porn was wrong or evil or shameful. I mean, it isn't something that I watch, but I always assumed that most people did. I think that because women are so often told not to be sexually active, just to look sexy, that an outlet which shows women actively engaging in sex can be positive and good for people to know about. I know porn isn't the most realistic, but as long as people recognize that it shouldn't be a problem. I watch plenty of movies and tv shows that aren't exactly realistic. Like, I don't assume that there are vampires outside my dorm window just because I watch Buffy all the time. So people should know better than to assume that life is like a porno and I think that most people do. I do recognize that a good chunk of porn supports the patriarchy in that it is men dominating women and that can be harmful, or it can also be separated from reality and recognized as something that is a kink or a sexual act that doesn't have to leave the bedroom.

My professor says that we're not writing argument papers. It makes me kind of sad. I have a strong desire to make a powerful argument for porn. I wonder if I will have to watch porn to do this paper. I doubt it.

I should get back to reading about objectification. Again, yes I know. So much objectification.

a blog post a day keeps bad stuff away

So I was going to blog every day in November, but seeing as it is already the second and I didn't blog yesterday I failed before I even started. Which really is too bad. Because I always have a lot to say. Especially on the subject of homework that I am not doing at the moment.

I am currently in the library with every intention of doing the reading for my FYC and yet here I am looking up when I can give blood again because of the Hurricane Sandy shortage and trying to find the cheapest greyhound bus tickets to get me to my Aunt and Uncle's house for Thanksgiving. Also I just don't want to read 14 more pages on the objectification of women. I experienced it first hand. I get it, it's bad. I am tired of studying the theory, I want to fix it. I want to learn how to fix it. For this reason I am embarking on a 6 week long research paper project type thing in which I get to explore the intersection of sex positivity and anti-porn. I think it'll be a cool paper.

I was also going to try and take a picture every day of November and post them here, but you know whatever I haven't done that either. And I didn't want them to be lame web cam pictures. Not that you don't all love my face...

Also opinions, do I look like a boy or a girl? One of the people employed by the college to glare at us and give us a bad time for trying to steal food from the cafeteria is always messing up my pronouns but I feel really awkward correcting him. I mean he's like 50 and his job title is GateKeeper (granted it was awarded to him  by the student body, but still). Oh wait here's a picture of me, so this question is slightly easier to answer:

I think I may have failed a Spanish quiz just now. But shh, I'm trying not to think about it.

I also played in my first hockey game on Tuesday. I have to tell you, it was awesome. I don't know how to stop, and got in a weird rotation where I was only playing like every ten minutes but it was still awesome. I almost went head first into the opposing team's bench when I crashed into the boards. Also the opposing team was almost all middle aged women. It was good. They beat us 9-2 and gave us brownies afterwards. Also they were way bigger than us. Our hockey team kind of looks like a rag tag band of misfits with like 5 actual hockey players. But it was awesome. And I can't wait to play again next week. I should have played hockey in high school. Oh wait. My high school didn't have a girls' hockey team. I mean there was field hockey but who does that? (besides my cousin... and a lot of other people...)

Happy Fall Break to me

Here I am. All alone (not actually) on the college campus in the snow. Why is it snowing? It is October. I don't know that I actually signed up for this. I thought Minnesota weather would be way more like New York weather. But it is definitely colder here. I think it may already be the season for winter boots. No wonder hockey season starts tomorrow.

Since this depressing turn of weather events has occurred I think now is the time to obnoxiously display some of my fall photos:

So this is what it used to look like outside. Hopefully the snow doesn't force everyone into their rooms. Because honestly I was just starting to meet people again. It's hard to meet people. I mean, the school is small, I know people. It's just hard because I feel like other people have friends, like the best of friends, and here I am, blogging antisocially in my bed room hoping someone bangs on my door and invites me somewhere. Which isn't actually how it ever works.

My next door neighbor is going to someone's house this afternoon and he left me the address in case he doesn't come back. It actually seems super creepy, but I suppose it is a valid concern. He left a description of what the house looks like, as though the numbers wouldn't be enough for me to tell the police if I reported him missing... (I really don't think he's going anywhere, he can hold his own.)

I love videochatting. It isn't the same as a real conversation, obviously, but it is nice none the less and it is definitely better than a phone call. It just breaks my heart when I see my girlfriend cry through the screen and all I want is to wipe away her tears and I can't. When I lift up my finger all it touches is the web cam. I smudge my screen but I can't do any of the physical things I usually do to comfort her. It's hard. I just want to hold her and make everything good for her. Too bad life doesn't work that way.

Hello

Since no one actually followed my old blog I really feel no shame in getting a new one. Especially since one of the two people that I had given permission to read was starting to harass me about it.

So hey. I'm Erin. I'm half way through my first semester of college. I attend Macalester. I used to want to be a doctor. Now I am considering pursuing a degree in media and cultural studies. I am gay as heck. I am occasionally gender queer. I have recently fallen in love with mumford and sons. My girlfriend goes to college in Michigan. We're in an open relationship and I miss her like crazy everyday. So yeah. This is my place to vent and deal and sort out my life. (People sometimes say I'm funny, so it might be worth sticking around to see if that ever happens here.)